Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in damnthatwkd's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
3:16 pm	how refreshing so i hit rock bottom THAT day! and since ive been on this month long quest to cahnge my life and improve in any sort of way possible. I even am going about getting a job....which is the scarest and biggest thing i can think of. im not getting my hopes up to much as my depression always seems to get in the way of most things. i even opened up to rich about afew truths,main thing about being bi, which he took well i think. we are going ok and i hope to god he really does like me, some might say i should bother even considering giving him a 2nd chance but im a fucking walkover. the best news this week is that im going to see the band sleater-kinney at brighton in nov - i love them a freakish amount! anyhow - this must be my happist post so far so imma end it there b4 i type something lame. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
5:23 pm	i hate myself and i want to die. it has to be done doesnt it? i just cant live this way. tonight is the night, ive given myself to many reasons not to. evryone has left me and has given up.....i cant do this anymore.....no one cares. thinking about things i will miss? nirvana, only the music...how sad is that,its helped me so much- been my only therapy. i have no choice anymore - no one will notice that im gone,they wont at all. just carry on with their stupid lil lifes. The only person i will let down by doin this is me,im sorry,im the only one who cars but i CANT do this anymore. its gonna happen anyway,in the end - but why wait? why even bother going through any longer being alone and in pain,theres not point. no one wants to help me or infact know me. now ive done my lil display of pity towards myself i can fuck off.... at last be happy,well just not here. its better to burn out than to fade away. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
4:52 pm	100% worked it out And i just know this second i couldnt be any deader than i am right now. Current Mood: figured it all out (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 14th, 2005
8:57 pm	If you want/need/love something so much and you lose it.... you would do anything to get the thing back. of course im not loved wanted or needed so what do i expect? no one will ever give a fuck about me, i have no one,my family life is a mess and im just waiting for one last thing to happen b4 i kill myself imma get pissed on brandy until i fuckin past out and hopefully die :D bye! Current Mood: fuckin depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
3:30 am	drink,stop,now,katy! i need to stop drinking!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, August 1st, 2005
1:07 am	im so drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND DEPRESSED!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
2:42 am	cant stand it the feeling is horrible..... i wasnt doing anything then all of a sudden i get depressed - it just isnt fair anymore. theres a hell of alot of people who deserve this feeling more than me. Whatever i try to do to help myself always backfires and gnrdiehrmtfdnhtrflg. im tired of seeing so called "happy people" all around me and then they have the cheek of moaning about the stupidest things such as "i cant find a cute top to wear" and so on shit. why get worked up about things so silly. how come everyone on the internet has online people? i dont get it, its like im the only one who doesnt. blah blah blah im pissed off - gotta chill -gonna lissen to some nirvana Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
11:06 pm	oh yeah and - if he cared at all he would call... im just not going to even go into that right now i cant handle it, i remmeber everything he said to me, how he told me to fuck off a million times, kicked me out of his house in the rain (dramatic but it happened) i had 3 bags to carry a mile back home but i was in so much of a state i couldnt carry it... he came back and he left again while shouting abuse YET AGAIN.... i could about 10 metres b4 everything got to heavy again.... i was tryin to hike but no one would stop...dont blame em i was crying and in no condiction to be greatfull to anyone, but i needed to be saved and i wasnt. i admit this is it, its so clear, if he cared the tinyest bit he woiuld call to see how i am. but hes so stubborn its unbelieveable, he knows why i did it in the first place! i thought he understood me! he didnt have to swear or kick me out its so stupid. anyone else wouldnt do that....anyone else that knew what he did. hes heartless..... or maybe im just to soft - i couldnt and wouldnt leave someone like that EVER. the moment we stepped in the other room his face got so angry - it was clear he was going to do it if i didnt... self fucking defence no matter what he says... he was so angry and what he did after just prooved he was and had no patience whats so ever. we will see what he wants soon and how he comes about everything. nothing to do now but sit back and wait.... Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
10:58 pm	back again im at the moement trying so hard to keep busy and keep my mind off everything.. its so hard, infact impossible. all im thinking about is what everyone prob thinks about me now, i cant handle this anymore...makes me feel sick thinking about it and i cant stand it. no one wants to know me anyway so the way i see it is no one will care... maybe if they knew everything about me and my past it wouldnt b so bad. whats the point of opening up to people though? for it ive been branded attention seeker and weird. i opened up to people i trusted and made em promise not to tell yet they did,hurt alot. luckily that was a while ago and im not really in contact to any of em. My main concern right now is thinking people are going to judge me like hell.... its one of the most hurtfull things. I need to know if anyone else knows about saturday and if so what they think about me... im hopeing for once they dont care and ignore it. im truey am driving myself insane, i REALLY need to drink, ive been trying to fuckin hard not to the moemnt i woke up... i need surport! yet i have no one... useless and pointless sitution then. like i said earlier i HAVE to get used to being alone. i wish to god i was dead - i know thats very emo but right now its so true. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
7:42 pm	........ ok, what a weekend....what a fucking horrible weekend. i feel dead,completly dead. i have problems i know it, but i just feel like all they do is overpower me....to a certain point i cant take it anymore. I think i just gotta start getting used to a life of being alone again. no one wants to know my problems so i have to learn to be alone....the fun. all i know now is i feel 100% like utter shit and theres nothing to do about it. i wont dare "kill myself" cos right now i think that would b a fucking stupid thing to do. The only thing i need now is to feel protected, i feel vunrable...really depressed and think ive lost everything close to me. if i go into everything il start crying, so i wont bother. why is life so fucking pointless most the time! Current Mood: horrible (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 14th, 2005
4:10 am	really funny depressed! I truthfully feel like crying myself to death. its everyone around me, i just feel like their growing up or soemthing. everyone just seems so happy and pretty :| i really hate myself and im so depressed msot the time. ok im crying now:( i would do ANYTHING to be like them- anything....its hard to even try to bother cos eother way i find and think everyone is better than me in every fuckin way- i hurt inside all the time. i need people to let me know im not alone and i have someone there. im losing it, im sure il be a little better by tomorrow but i clearly am losing it, i have so much hate in me - for everyone! whats wrong with people anyway - u think u know someone then they get together with someone or find another group of people and bang, they are just someone else. maybe i should try being different cos its no fun being me, il loose weigh, get comepletly WASTED at upcomeing partys (when i feel good enough to go without feelin people are watchin n judgin) sp i can at least talk to people ive known for yrs :| just change everything bout me, im sure then il fit in and get proper friends and be on my merry lil way :D.... ummm nah. whats to loose though? gotta proove these fucked up thoughts right? tell them i can get outta these and i can be someone better and i wont be like this for the rest of my life. im starting tomorrow, going to the gym everyday so dat one day i can go out and face people without thinking that their thinking "whats she doing here" is size 12 top and size 14 jeans really fat though? all i see now is size 8 n 10 girls and i just feel like crying, or even self harming...... which i havent done for yrs!! i always wonder why grown adults or my my case mataure teenagers cut themselfs,i thought its a waste of time and that it wont change who u are.... but truthfully right now,just was crying, feeling so crap..... i get it. its 4-21 am - goin to the gym at 10am so yeah better go lissen to some old now cds to cheer myself up a tiny bit, pretent im happy n pretty....and then sleep. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, July 11th, 2005
1:48 am	emotasic time! OK im ready to do it, i even did this whole post just to mouth off about emos and how they are scum of the earth - in my opinion now worse then chavs! Infact an emo is 50% goth 50% chav - the perfect halfing. Nothing they do makes sense, even thopugh they are 17, they have a mindset of a bunch of girl shagging,gay dressing,crap lissening 12 yr olds. What gets me is the fact that they say their depressed and have no one(most the ones i know), but they are covered with people,guys,friends,and confidence....its sickening. Hey im not sad, i get drunk with my boyfriend every single weekend, sometimes weekdays, love concerts and music and going out to FUN places. but jesus when they have fun - it requires them going to the beach. something me and a group of people used to do in yr 10...we kinda grew out of it now. But then again they go to the house partys where they march around claiming their drunk on 2 beers, i dunno i just feel at those partys u have to drink ALOT to enjoy it. the main thing that annoys me?? the complete sluttness and attention seeking of them all - think imma leave it there, i have a feleing i sound mean,just typin my feelings though. i miss the good old days when it was to the pool hall and then to pages to get wankered on some wkds, why did u have to have baby(s) soph? its kinda hard now without going out thinkin about are judgin u all the time n looking at you....mainly why i dont bother. Though when rich took me out for dinner and then we got serrved drinks at a few places,it felt like fun.... need more of those im thinking. If anyones not embarrested to be seen with me bring on the drinking in clubs! Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
1:28 am	blah blah i tryed to keep myself busy and lay off the dirnk but it hasnt worked :D theres no excuse that i drink ALOT, cant help it,i try so hard to stop but i just cant - im addicted. i promised myself i wouldnt drink in the week anymore, next week i NEED to stick with that promise...and i deff have to stop eattin for no reason. gotta start exicisein,not eating and stop drinking. try to be less paranoid and fix up my room........good luck to me. i know it doesnt sound like much but it is to me. so richard comes home tomorrow..... really really fuckin scared hes gonna tell me he met someone, i cant help but think it, its horrible. just wish he would of send me a postcard or something to let me know hes thinking of me. all should kick off tomorrow though. i guess inna way it makes me realise how much i need people, b4 it was always the same, people came into my life then left for months on end. i feel if i lose this guy thats me done for a social life forever, as sad as that is. at least when he comes back i can throw myself into ebay again, vinyls are my god. so ummm i cant wait to have hazel again, think my next appointment is the 21st but im not sure, shes really good, the best therapest ive had by far, cant help but think shes the one who could help me outta this depression.I gotta admit its lasted so long i cant imagain life without it, without the booze, social phobia, selfhatein,the paranoia. i need my life to change b4 im 18 or im in deep shit. They cut u off at 18 n let u go,so jesus something better change. maybe if my hatered for myself and the socail phobia goes i may make some friends... jesus i sound so sad its stupid. cant help it though, i lost everyone when i got depression.... i guess chavy people isnt the best to hang out with that though. i dunno why but the other kinda people i attrack have mental health issues or are just compleltly insane, but to be fair i really wouldnt mind one of those right now either. just someone i can talk to n ahve a laugh with please..... Cant really think of much else to type, so my day :D - 2 pm - woke up :D - 3 pm - washed n dat - 4 pm - lissened to some smashing pumpkins - 6.30 - dinner - 7.pm - started drinking, lissened to pumpkins n garbage n i have forgot what ive done after that cos i jsut drunk all nite! so here i am 01.44 ebing a fucking loser n writing in my "live jornal"... so stupid. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
7:54 pm	First time Well ive just broken my livejournal virginity. So its 03.56 in the morning, cant sleep like always and cant stop thinking about rich. For some weird reason, ive JUST got really paranoid about us, the fact that he left all "c ya" and didnt even reisure me that he wont do anything is getting to me. He knows im really really para and hate myself......i just know if he had the chance he would do something. so hes on holiday for another 6 days and im going insane,im trying to keep telling myself he wont but theres always something in the back of my mind saying he will, just gotta wait and see i guess. the weird thing about it is ive been all :D about him going away cos i wanted some space, but holy shit now im losing it. maybe i do care about him lol? i made this journal to be 100% truthfull to myself and to admit everything into this. so some truth,is that i care about my boyfriend, kept thinking i dont...but im worryed sick. i think the thing behide me and guys is that i get bored way to easy,runs in the family...my dumbass townie brother cant even keep a girlfriend for longer than a year. jesus so many things to type its unreal!!!! so sticking with this theme of my boyfriend today..... the real reason i doubt our relationship? im bisexual :D , no one knows, then again ive only just admitted it to myself afew months ago, i really thought its soemthing u go through and get over?...guess not. apart from being 150% bi, i doubt the relationship because i just dont trust him, he looked at girls in front of me at a party like 6 months ago. i know its stupid not getting over that but i just feel horirble and betrayed,just thought he liked me. i get so fucking insurecure!!, i hate myself so much, and he did that....doesnt make it better.i hope to god hes not just some horny lil college guy whos pertending to like me, would break my heart :( well ive just touched a million different subjects in one post, hope i will be able to read this tomorrow cos i doubt it makes sense. Either way i have so much to write and to tell the truth i cant wait to get the shit outta me! Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)